5. Nickelback
All you need to know about Nickelback and their douchebag fans is in
the song “Rock Star.” The song is supposed to be a cliché of what it is
to be a rock star, but then this band has actually taken the rock star
path so now I don’t know if they are just being ironic or they are
confused as well. Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne
are a thing, or were a thing or something. It doesn’t matter and the
only reason I know this is because their douchebag fans talk about this
as if this has any influence on their music. It does, it makes it worse!
Poor Canada, I know you have better than this, but somehow this is
what broke through in the states and created a legion of phony fans that
insist Nickelback is a ground breaking band. Yes, they are a band. I
will not refute that.
4. Megadeth
How do you make the album
Peace Sells…But Who’s Buying, turn
religious, then political and then back to angry? More importantly how
can you be a fan of this band? Easy answer to that: douchebag alert.
Founder and lead singer, Dave Mustaine
was the guy that got kicked out of Megadeth, so he’s a rebel right?
Question: Guess what’s worse than douchebag fans? Answer: Rebel
douchebag fans. FYI picking the losing team doesn’t make you a rebel.
Fans of Megadeth are a jealous bunch that tries to convince
themselves that “their band” is better than the juggernaut known as
Metallica. Insistent that their band never “sold out” is such an insane
take that is constant with this group. If no one hears a band can they
sell out? A deep thought that the D-bag Megadeth fan base would never
understand. Seriously, if you spot someone wearing a Megadeth t-shirt
turn-around and go the other way.
3. Metallica
Along the way a lot of fans have exited the Metallica douchebag wagon, but there is still an army. This army of fans insist
St. Anger
is a good album. Either this group is just plain too loyal or they have
been brainwashed by Lars. In fact, I believe Metallica tested their
loyalty/brainwashing by releasing the album Lulu, leading to their fans
insisting this concept album with
Lou Reed
was a good idea. Fact: This album was the worst idea of all time! What a
mess and that fans that have stuck with them are the worst.
Now there is a new album and the army is ready to let everyone know
that their band IS BACK! The douchebags will insist the new album is as
good as their earlier work, but that’s impossible, it just doesn’t work
way guys. Hey, at least you’re not a Megadeth fan, oh wait, you like
both bands! Biggest douchebags ever!
2. Motley Crue
Motley Crue started off as more of a New York Dolls punk act, went
dark, satanic and heavy and then eventually really glammed it up. Once
they made the song “Girls, Girls, Girls” there was no holding back the
douchebag fan base. This became their anthem, after all, what douchebag
doesn’t love a strip club? The Crue made music for dirt bags so
douchebag isn’t much of a stretch. Influenced by KISS douchebags, Motley
Crue douchebags always let you know who they are – they are the ones
wearing the jean jacket with the Girls, Girls, Girls album cover patch
on the back.
Even the members of the band are somewhat douchebags, either full of
themselves or unable to keep it together over any length of time. Any
band that gives themselves the nickname Saints of Los Angeles deserves
to have a large fan base made up of mostly douche bags.
1. Kid Rock
Love him or hate him, this is about the fans he attracts and no person attracts more douchebags than Kid Rock.
He is the self-proclaimed Bull God so there’s that. Maybe it is the
hat, the cigar or the swagger? Starting with rap/metal, and then turning
to rock and then country, Kid Rock could walk on stage and use the
toilet and his fans would cheer. In fact, I bet if he didn’t even show
up the fans would just start singing his songs and not even care. Then
they would get drunk and beat the hell out of each other. Kid Rock is
the leader of the douchebags.
Each year Kid Rock hosts a cruise, can you imagine? A boat full of
Kid Rock douchebag fans with nowhere to go? Everywhere you turn there’s
another douchebag, they would be unavoidable. You want a deterrent to
murder? Forget prison; sentence someone to ten days on that boat,
surrounded by douchebags and Kid Rock. I think I just solved our violent
crime epidemic.
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